Shcunt!!!

All I can say is I can’t remember being and feeling so alone on a New Year eve/day. I actually called my family and some other people I swore I wouldn’t call again. I think if my mom were here I would’ve probably had a better holiday season. I love the fact that no matter how bad it is she always makes you feel like everything will be ok. When she smile I feel good cause I know she’s enjoying that short moment. I almost wish I don’t start a year like that again but I think it was best having this time to myself. I planned on getting smashed this New Year but unfortunately it didn’t happen. Some might say it is a good thing because no good could come of it but I don’t care cause I still wanted to get smashed. As time pass so has the urge to get smashed. Well being alone this whole weekend let me think about the days leading to my moms passing. I always wondered if she was anymore happier during that time then she was before.

I know it made her day the first time she met Monique because I never brought a female I was dating home before. My mom didn’t know why I wasn’t happy but she seen that change when I was with Monique. Well that wasn’t really why I wasn’t happy. I didn’t like coming home and seeing my mom suffering. I wanted to try to do things to make her happy but something would happen and mess it up. Things seem to be going good cause she was happy more then before. Me messing with Mo made her happy plus things was going some what good for my bro and sis. Almost everything was going good for once and of course all good things come to an end. I guess cause my mom was finally starting to be happy again it was the best time for her to be taken. The only thing that’s helping me feel better about her passing is me believing she’s being taken cared of much better there then she could ever be here. I’m somewhat selfish though cause I wish she was still here with us. Well I hope she is resting in peace and keeping a close eye on us all.

I realize as good as it is to have good friends/family (for those who cares about fam) or both, there is nothing they could do for you if you don’t help them help you. They could provide everything for you to excel but if you don’t put in some work nothing good could come of it. My point is I know I want to be financially set and have all that good stuff that the world have to offer but I lack the motivation to push myself to get it. This year I don’t plan on having any real resolution. I will just live and see where life is destine to take me. I will make moves so good things could happen but if it doesn’t then its whatever. I will just move on to the next endeavors. I do wish everyone I know and don’t know to have the best year and years to come.

Happy New Year!!!

P.S. If you read any of this thank you

Happy Birthday 2 My Nizel Ed

I know its been so long since I last posted but I was in a bad place. I think i'm still in but I was motivated by Marce aka Angelicbebe to Post. So here's...

A FEW THINGS YOU MAY NOT BUT WILL KNOW ABOUT ME BY THE TIME YOU FINISH READING(It may sound like a joke but its not):

1)      If I hear someone making fun of something and its funny I'll laugh end of story.

2)      Mostly laugh at people's misfortune when its there stupidity that causes it.

4)      I bottle up my emotions...until... but when I let it out...sorry for the nigga or niggette.

5)      I have a lot of patience...But I'm learning.

6)      I have made countless bad decisions, but I regret 2 much.

7)      I stay quiet and keep shaking my leg when I'm nervous.

8)     I don't get embarrassed easily because I don't care what people think.

9)     Not afraid of rejection cause it happened so much to me lol. You start to become numb (pause) after a while. More afraid of someone rejecting me in a phunked up way.

10)     I don't talk when I should talk cause I know I got a smart mouth. I say what I'm really feeling only to girls just because. I say what I'm thinking when i'm mad and when I am ready to phunk someone up whether its mentally or physically.

11)     I don't like disappointing my friends or myself but because of my thought pattern I feel I will always end up doing that.

12)     I think i'm a bad person simply because I really don't care about a lot things I should care for.

13)     I don't cry even when I know I should. Not to sound phunked up but I needed help from the FUCKING ambulance to cry when my moms passed away. I still only get teary eyed when I think about how FUCKING SLOW THEY WERE MOVING WHEN...hope you got my point.

14)     I'm haven't been happy for longer then I could remember but I always seem to laugh a lot

15)     I hate and like attention...good or bad.

16)     I am to kind hearted. I give to much second chances (Why i'm definately my mother's child).

17)     I honestly love to be alone. I love chilling and hanging out with my friends but I always dreamted of living and being (no love life meaning) alone.

18)     I'm scared to take chances, because of that I don't think I will be successful how other people feel I will be.

19)     This probably will sound weird but I like to be depress since it takes to much work and energy to be happy.

20)     I love to help people even the ones I want to hate. It makes me feel important somehow.

21)     I don't understand why people like me because most of the time I can't stand myself and thats the truth.